Until a few years ago, same-sex parenting was a very distant reality for many. While in some parts of the world it remains just a dream, in others love has already won the day. Three LGBTQ couples shared their families’ stories with us. Check it out!
By Ana Roque
Photography courtesy of Trevor Davis, Ryan Gardner and Jamie Beaglehole
Trevor and Shaun Davis, UK
Trevor Davis did not think about becoming a parent for a long time. As part of the LGBTQ community, it was not really an option for him. “As a gay man growing up the 1990s, I didn’t think I could ever be a parent. It was not legal for LGBTQ people to adopt until the 2000s. I had kind of resigned myself to the fact that I was never going to be a parent.” Flash forward and he is now happily married to Shaun Davis and they have two kids, Alexis and John, who are eight and six years old. The two siblings were adopted in 2016. When the couple first started their application, they thought they only wanted to adopt one child, but things changed. “We were going through the matching process, looking through children’s profiles and we found (and fell in love with) the siblings we went on to adopt.”
The biggest difficulty they faced was the waiting. “A lot of people are involved and everything takes time because of how busy they all are. From the initial application to actually getting approval took us eight months. Then we started the process of finding a child. From approval to actually meeting our children was exactly a year.” It seemed quite long for them, but it is not always like that. “I know people for whom it has taken less than a year.” This process was neither longer nor more difficult because of their status as an LGBTQ couple. “Actually, Social Services are encouraging the community to adopt. There are so many children needing homes and there are still some people who think they are not allowed to adopt.”
Although adopting might take some time, all the steps are essential. “These children have already been through so much in their lives. Social Services have to make sure that they vet and approve people carefully. They also have to be sure that a ‘match’ is going to work.”
Becoming a parent was life changing. “I feel such an undying love for my children. I am sure it is the same for most other parents – the love you feel for them is beyond anything you can imagine. It is also important to remember that the children you are going to adopt are likely to come from an environment that was not nurturing or loving. All they want is to be loved and protected.” And while the stigma about LGBTQ adoption can be a problem for many couples around the globe, it is not for this one. “In the UK, I don’t think it’s a problem. We’ve not encountered any negative response. People sometimes stop and smile at the us in the street and comment what a beautiful family we are!”
To share his experience and inspire other LGBTQ couples to adopt, in 2020 Trevor wrote his first book – Diary of a New, Fab, Adoptive Dad. “I was keeping a diary about the adoption experience as something for us all to look back on in years to come. Then it just turned into a book.” It had a great response from readers around the world who find in it the hope that one day they too can marry a same-sex partner and have kids. “I receive a lot of messages from LGBTQ people in countries where being LGBTQ is illegal and even punishable by death. I am so grateful to live in a country where I am able to live my life without fear.” Now, a second book telling more stories about the family – Two Dads, Two Kids – will be out in March this year.
For people going through the process, Trevor recommends being patient and to expect the unexpected. “It’s a rollercoaster. We thought we only wanted to adopt one child but as we went through the process, we found we wanted to adopt two. Do not be disheartened when you reach a pothole in the road.” He has no doubt that everyone can get through it, but leaves this warning: “The hardest part is when you’re looking through children’s profiles. Reading their stories and seeing their pictures makes you want to adopt every single one of them. That really tugs at the heart strings.”
Trevor and Shaun do not rule out another adoption in the future. “It’s something my husband and I have talked about. For the moment we are perfect just the four of us. ”
@two_dads_two_kids
Ryan Gardner and Ryan Jackson (The Ryans’), USA
Ryan Gardner already had a son when she met Ryan Jackson. “Ryan came into Cameron’s life when he was four and has treated him as if he was her own ever since.” Together, they have had another boy, Carson, who is almost two years old. “We are The Ryans’: an engaged strong, black LGBTQ couple. Our personal mission is making the abnormal normal. We decided to share our lives on social media to shine a light on how normal our relationship actually is even though society thinks differently. We believe we are just as normal as any heterosexual couple and wear our label proud and out loud. Representation is very important to us, so we strive to be the best version of our community, both black and lesbian, and use our platform to bring visibility to both communities.”
From the moment The Ryans’ decided they wanted to have a baby until the day Ryan Gardner got pregnant took about a year. “We chose self-insemination as the process to have Carson. I needed to track my fertility days so we knew when to insert. I wanted it to be as accurate as possible so it was important to spend a lot of time on this part of the process.”
For The Ryans’, adoption was not an option. “Both of us were always open to carrying the baby but adoption could be an option for us if we needed it to be.” Truth to be told, the self-insemination process could have not gone better. “It was fairly easy. After tracking my fertility days, we just needed to wrap up some logistics with our donor and figure out the best times to insert during my fertility days. We did our research and made it happen ourselves in the comfort of our own home. We inserted three times during my fertility week and my tracker told me to take a pregnancy test on a certain day. We were so anxious that we took the pregnancy test five days before we were supposed to and, indeed, I was pregnant.” If right now they are focused on raising little Carson and the pre-teen Cameron, who is 12, a third child is not off the table. “Juggling between the two with the huge age gap is something else, so adding a new edition is on hold for now! We still want our girl though…”
In a modern world where same-sex parenting still can be a taboo, The Ryans’ are fortunate enough to live in a place where they are not discriminated against because of their sexual orientation. “We live in Washington DC, where being a part of the LGBTQ community is more acceptable than elsewhere. We receive more discrimination for looking younger than we really are than being lesbians.” Although they do not feel it in their own skin, they know discrimination exists. “Everyone will always paint their own picture of how things are ‘supposed’ to be. We are sure there are people out there who think that same-sex couples raising a child is absurd, but if you think about it from the child’s perspective, as long as they are raised with love in a caring, safe and healthy environment then it should not matter if it’s two females or two males.” There are definitely still some barriers that need to be broken down. “People say and ask the darnedest things and even though some do not mean any harm, we still want to be treated like parents. ‘How did you get pregnant?’; ‘Who is the real dad?’ – these are not questions that people would ask a heterosexual couple so do not ask us.”
Finally, the couple has a piece of advice for every LGBTQ couple thinking about having kids: “Becoming a parent is a wonderful thing and society makes it so weird for us. Have your baby and enjoy the happiness that the world hates so much and show them that we are just as ‘normal’ as they are.”
@its.the_ryans
Jamie Beaglehole and Tom, UK
Jamie Beaglehole and his husband Tom adopted two sibling boys – Lyall and Richard, 12 and 11 – in 2014. “We have nephews who are siblings so we always knew the family dynamic would work with two boys. When we started to research about adoptions, we learned siblings were often split and adopted by separate families. To us, that’s totally unacceptable so we decided we would adopt two or more siblings right at the start of the process.”
The adoption process was relatively long – it took two years until the day the boys moved in with them. “It was complex but we were guided through it by a very well-organised social worker. The difficulties occurred before we met our kids. After we were matched with them. That part of the process usually only takes a couple of weeks or months but legal challenges and administrative issues left us waiting for a long time.” Apart from the wait, which can make things harder, there were some upsides to the process. “It was therapeutic to talk about our relationship and concerns to a social worker. It was the first time Tom and I had ever really opened up to a third party and it brought us closer together as a couple. But the day you meet your children for the first time is probably the most amazing, emotional, best day of your life.”And although the process might be long, Jamie recognises that people have to be really cautious. “Adoption comes with such enormous challenges. Everyone needs to be completely positive they are up to the job. Adopted children are different to birth children because they have experienced trauma. Even if they appear to be fine, they have all been removed from their birth families and experienced things a young child should never have to. We are not just parents, we are also therapists, guardians, mentors and councillors. It is a tough job but it is so rewarding.”
Jamie does not feel there is still a lot of stigma associated with LGBTQ adoption, but recognises that “there is always going to be a part of society unable to accept people who are different from them.” Fortunately, his and Tom’s experience has been the best. “We found as a same-sex couple we were generally treated in exactly the same way as opposite-sex couples and single adopters.” Nevertheless, he has no doubt that there are still some misconceptions out there about LGBTQ adoption. “It is our job, as LGBTQ adopters, to challenge and destroy these misconceptions. There is a belief that adoption is harder for us, but it is not true.”
Jamie and Tom have a strong presence on social media. They have a blog and an Instagram account with many followers. “Through our blog and online presence and in the UK LGBTQ community we naturally became quite prominent as a same-sex family.” The feedback is mostly positive and Daddy & Dad is a safe place for LGBTQ families. “What has been more wonderful is how we are naturally encouraging young LGBTQ people to think about adoption as a path to becoming parents. When we were kids, there were no positive LGBTQ role models, let alone gay dads. We are so proud to have become the very thing that we missed out on when we were young.”
But not everything is good and their exposure attracts some questions that don’t deserve answers. “We receive emails, messages and comments from people interested in how we became parents. Sadly, we also receive some inappropriate questions about the boys’ sexual orientation and misconceptions about how people ‘become gay’. It seems people in countries where being LGBTQ is frowned upon are still largely uneducated about the nature of sexuality.”
Finally, Jamie leaves a piece of advice for anyone who wants to adopt. “If an LGBTQ couple or a single person wants to adopt, it is quite likely they can and would potentially make a wonderful parent. The adoption process (and parenting adopted children) takes courage and resilience. These kids carry baggage from their life before they joined your family. There were parts of the process that tested Tom and I to the limit, but we persevered and the outcome is really quite magical. We have no regrets and we fell in love with our sons the very moment we first saw them.”
@daddyanddad
